as you can see, it’s been a while.

ive tried to figure out for so long why keeping up with this is so difficult for me, and in the past 8 months or so since my last post I feel like I may have a lead.  I think I just really don’t like to deal with myself.

Lauren is messy and complicated and overemotional.  She struggles with insecurities and issues from her childhood and finding the woman God created amidst the mess of being human. She’s learning, and failing, and sometime succeeding.

A lot of the time, I don’t much like Lauren. and I’d rather not have to really spend time with her.

I think the reason I don’t blog as much as I should is because blogging causes me to s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n. and think about what’s happening in my heart and mind, what my relationship with God looks like. When I face myself I have to face the mess i’ve made by not looking much like Jesus. I don’t like seeing something that isn’t so great.

I came across this today and it made a lot of sense with this whole idea

I am underreflective. And I think it has sort of begun to infect the person that I am deep down.

With Justin away at staff retreat this week, I took a little bit of time to sort of retreat myself, just in my house.  I read blogs, and I sketched. I worked out and listened to good music. I took time to just be me, to hang out with Lauren and take care of her a little bit.  I saw things that I didn’t like as usual, but it felt refreshing to just be still for a while.  I’ve realized how much I need time for myself, as much as I would rather be social and busy and productive and successful, all of that is so tainted when I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

so here I am, blogging again. And dealing with myself. and trying to clean up the mess i’ve made and trying to love myself a little bit more. I don’t want to always be overwhelmed and too busy to reflect.

will you join me?

love,

Lauren Ashley

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