Archive for March, 2009

Forgotten

so its been a while and I really wish I could be updating more often- ill be trying to do better, this last week was just so hectic- another post about that later.

I spent last weekend in Nashville reconnecting with an old friend and helping out with the Forgotten Tour for my good friend Trevor’s non-profit Remedy for this Heart.  They will finish up the tour tomorrow evening in Colleyville, but since they were so close I drove down to help out and see what the buzz was all about.  It was fantastic.  The whole presentation was so moving, and I got a chance to take some great photographs and hang out with great people; old, current and brand new friends.

Here are some of my favorites from the weekend.  They’re better viewed on their own page. Enjoy!

love and hugs,

Lauren

my biggest enemy does not have big claws and scary eyes

then what is it you might ask?

Fear.

Im afraid of so much, mainly the future.  Its crippling really.  It holds me in chains in so many situations in my life and I can’t seem to shake it.  I can’t seem to quit being a coward.

I have told myself over and over again that perfect love drives out all fear, but considering I have trouble believing I am truly loved, it makes sense that I also am not allowing that fear to be driven out.  I feel like the enemy has such a hold on me that needs to be broken.

Recently I have been faced with a decision about my near future.  Do I choose option A and push myself out of my comfort zone and risk wearing myself down to the point where I can’t effectively do what I am meant to do, or do I take the opportunity to forego such a push and find much needed refreshment in a comfortable place by choosing option B.  Am I a coward if I choose B? Am I an unwise idiot if I choose A? I don’t know what to do, and most of all I am terrified that I will make the wrong choice.  It is genuinely causing anxiety in my life and crippling me all over.

I resound with a lyric in one of Bethany Dillon’s songs that simply cries out for God to “strengthen the heart of this coward”.  My nature is to plan, and the fact that I can’t anticipate the future in this brings so much fear to me.

I don’t know what I need other than a bit of courage and a more full understanding within my heart of the Father’s love.  Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Hanging on,

Lauren

hello spring, nice to see you again.

So this is what Cincinnati looks like today:

picture-21and I definitely felt joy that I haven’t felt in quite a while because it is like this.

I came out of class and a bunch of friends of mine were sitting on a blanket on the lawn.  It was real community, something I haven’t seen at CCU in many many months (you see I go to a Bible college, which is a strange little subculture of its own, a phenomenon i’ll have to instruct you in at a later date).  People were waving to each other, giving hugs, etc. It was like life was blown into students’ existence again and it has been wonderful.

Though it may be a little self-centered of me to say this, I like to believe that God gave me today because he knew I needed a little hope.  Last night I hit a breaking point- loneliness, struggling-through-the-spiritual-desert sort of feelings, frustration with where God has me, missing the man I love and struggling with being away from him, all wrapped up into a big giant cry fest with a bunch of girls at my house, which then resulted in lots of great conversation and an ice cream run (p.s. my monday night girls are wonderful and I wouldn’t trade those evenings for anything this semester).  I needed a good day, and that’s what God gave me.  I’ll praise him for that today.

Spring has a way of restoring people, particularly after a harsh winter, and I think the way the weather works is such a testament to the seasons God takes us through otherwise.  I go through rough periods of winter, where I can’t feel His light or His warmth or the warm cozy feelings you’re “supposed to” feel about God, yet when we remain faithful he is too, with beautiful days like today.  I’d say I was reminded about how faithful He is today.

I hope you had a great day as well, and I’d love to hear about it 🙂

hugs and smiles and sunflowers and LOVE!

Lauren

rainy days and my tuck tuck

spring break has been crying on Dallas for the past 3 days, and after much sadness, I decided to let it actually relax me.  Tucker is keeping me company while I journal and chill out today.

love must believe

I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight about love.

It’s funny how I even hesitate to write that as the topic for our conversation for fear that you as a reader may zone out because you think I’ll soon proceed to discuss a cheesy romantic love story about a girl and a guy not unlike the billions of others you have heard. Why has love become a cliche? anyway, thats not even the real point here.

In our conversation, he told me that ever since he lost his mother last year, he feels this aching need to love a woman in a way she deserves to be loved.  He feels like it is a man’s job to offer love to a woman, and that he is unable to do so, and fears that he won’t be able to ever again.  He told me he thinks that every girl is too good for him, and that he’s afraid he’ll never be able to really do what he is supposed to do.  It seemed as if he didn’t believe he was worth being loved or being able to love.

I shared with him a line from a song written by Nichole Nordeman that I have to continually repeat to myself.

“To hang between two theives in the darkness, love must believe you are worth it”

What is it about love that we think we’re not good enough for it? I can’t figure it out. I can’t understand why it is so easy for me to tell girls and guys alike constantly that they are worth more than the words they tell themselves, or the abuse they take from others, or the neglect they feel.  How can my heart break into pieces with a desire to share with girls that their bodies are more precious than to carry a pricetag, and a desire to make others feel loved when I can hardly believe it myself.

I have a wonderful man in my life named Justin.  With him I have found love, yet I still fear that his love for me is superficial and contingent upon what I do.  Being the proactive person that I am, this only leads to a subconscious desire to earn his love, even if that is impossible.  Im so scared when I have a bad day, or when I’m in a wierd grumpy mood, that he’ll stop loving me, which then pushes me to just want to be away from him no matter how lonely that may be, for fear that exposing that to him will cause him to love me less, and eventually walk away.  Justin is patient with me, and shows me constantly how his love for me is not conditional, a love that so closely mirrors Christ in ways I never dreamed I would be able to see, yet my predicament remains.

How many of us do the same thing to Jesus? I feel as though in understanding our own depravity, we somehow lose the notion that he offers his love to us.  It’s not like a job we interview for and have to impress the boss to be awarded with, or a prize we win at the fair because we happen to choose the right button to push.  He loves us because He wants to. <pause for a minute and think about that> He. Wants. To. Love. YOU.  Not out of obligation, or pity, or as a last resort, but because that is the deepest, fullest desire of his heart. It’s a truly beautiful thing we will probably never fully grasp.

I long for the day I’ll no longer fear that the love I am given will disappear, for the day I’ll know His love fully, and be able to receive it in all its magnificent glory.  Until then, I’ll just keep reminding myself as I hope you will too, “love must believe you are worth it”

Trying to not try,

Lauren

still getting used to it…

So im new the whole publishing-my-life-on-the-web situation, particularly keeping up with it.

I think somewhere in the depths of things, it links to the fact that I have trouble believing my words or thoughts are worth anyones’ time (more on that another day).

Anyway, today has been great. Spent some time with my mom, visited my boyfriend at work and had dinner with my parents.  Nothing exciting, and sort of foreign to me, to not have an agenda.  I enjoy being busy, so breaks like these are difficult for me to handle.

Second shooting my first set of bridal shots tomorrow, and im quite excited about it.  I’ve really enjoyed getting into photography, and I only hope that I might be able to capture something that stirs emotion, the way others’ photography has stirred me.  I’ll post some of the shots later on, and I’d love to get your feedback.

so there we are, not a whole lot to say this time, since my life pretty much consists of sleeping this week seeing as it’s spring break.  More later on,

Until then,

Lauren

Tenderness

dsc_00281My two Texas loves. (well, two of many)